Battle inside

Already quite a lot of time have gone since my last post. I like to think about emotions and feelings which occupy either me or people I know. So this time I will continue my thoughts about feelings.

Wondering whether you remember how I told you about not existence of "true" love, which is heavily described in songs, poems, other pieces of work of writers, artists, musicians, etc. Well, some time later I experienced that by myself and can say for now that it can exist. However, I still would bet how many people in relationships actually experience it. Starting this post, for the first time, I did not know what to write about. I just wanted to write about something, however, did not come out with any idea.

It is interesting for person who always liked to control his actions, feelings, thoughts and movements to realize in the end that there is one condition of yourself when you completely cannot act as you want and basically when you do not understand why you cannot take control of what you want. This condition is called love.

I would say I am the person I mentioned above: quite long time ago I started to control everything I want. I mean all actions in my life were for some purpose. If I do not see a purpose, I do not do it. I put goals, I imagined how everything should be and tried to follow this roadmap later on. I can give some weird, but very true example. At some points in life you meet new people. With some of them you probably have great time, many good vibes and you just enjoy these moments. Probably, it goes smoothly, by itself, just because you are bound to talk to each other and have fun. So, what happens to me usually? When I meet new people, even though I already understood that I can have time of my life with them, I always think about time frame of such relationships. If I understand that it is just temporarily, and they cannot be for the lifetime, I will not go to "invest" time in it. Yes, I would use word "invest" in this case. Because either I can spend this time for some random meeting which can bring me "benefits" in the short run in a shape of fun, or I can use this time to maintain my existing relationships which is beneficial in the long run. I do not want you to think that I am seeking for benefits, when I am communicating with people, but it is just the simplest way for me to explain how it works.

What I wanted to tell you is that I always do things which can work in the long run. All my actions, I mean big ones, not like what to take for lunch, are focused or aimed on achieving the goal. When you first started to live your life like this, you will not be able to stop it. Your life will be a plan of actions, everything will become under control of your mind. You will not give a chance for something to control it, except your mind. This plan of actions and expectations will be more and more specific every time you think about it. And you simply follow it.

However, in one case you can brake what you thought worked well. Love - I do not know any more it is a god feeling or it is a mockery - changes your previous order. But not in a time, it destroys it step by step. And in the end, you are broken. You know that probably what is going on is probably temporarily, you cannot predict any future outcome of it, you are lost in the plan, because it is impossible to come with one anymore, but you are dying to put all of yourself in it, to waste yourself in this relationships. And you mind got used to valuate it as a wrong action, and it tries to force you to do "what is right". But your body is not anymore under control of the mind, you are managed by the heart, or soul. It is a situation when this two dictators of your being collapse and you are ... broken. You are in deep depression. You do not know what you want, and what was more important for you, why should you so anything. You are standing on the edge of nowhere, looking forward, or backward, it is not clear anymore and understand that you are completely lost ...